On my good days, I’m filled with love.
On my bad days, I’m like coco powder.
I start hating the world around me. Start hating my surroundings, my classes, my projects, sometimes even the people I love the most. I start hating myself, my body, my work, my life, to the point where I wonder if any of this is worth it – if I am worth it – anymore.
That bitterness I have in me is triggered by something or someone, usually myself, that makes me feel like I’m not good enough. No one eats coco powder, they eat chocolate, and I’m not chocolate yet. In fact, I start thinking that I’ll never be chocolate at this point, because there are better coco powders out there. Because other powders are stronger, have a richer flavor, are more energetic. Me, what am I compared to them? I work and I work, I get tired, give up and eat chocolate all day.
That’s where I get it all wrong. You never hear conversations in the cupboard between Jars. Sugar thinks he’s too sweet, and Peanut Butter thinks she’s too fatty. Coco Powder thinks she’s the only one who has issues, but she never realized that her friends are thinking exactly like she is; no one can grasp how worthy they are because they are so caught up in their own self-hatred. That’s when Coco Powder tells Sugar she needs to take pride in her sweetness, and that Peanut Butter’s creaminess should be celebrated! “But what about you, Coco?” they asked her. “Don’t you see some good in you too?”
“Me? I know I am bitter, because some people tell me that I am, and I see it in myself sometimes too. But sometimes, I remind myself that I am not just my flaws. I can make some excellent chocolate milkshakes if I wanted to, or create a tasty cake if I felt like it. I have lots of qualities. I’m also filled with anti-oxidants by the way. But it just happens that sometimes I just don’t feel too good about myself, and that’s okay. I need to remember my worth and cut myself some slack”.
You know what? I should too.
Ameni is a Tunisian senior majoring in CULP. She doesn’t know what she’ll be doing after graduation, so please don’t ask. In her free time, she loves going to the beach, making art, and traveling. Her instagram is cool; you can go and check it out (but only if you want to) @amenitoomany.